Though I’ve had many thoughts swirling in my mind the past few months, they have not been typed out, for whatever reason. But I’ve started reading Playing God by Andy Crouch, and that’s got me inspired to get my creative juices flowing. More on that another time.
A big part of what’s been happening is grief.
I had a miscarriage on December 6, 2015. I was eight weeks pregnant. Maybe I’ll go back and write more about what it’s been like to walk through that a little later, but right now, I want to share is a gift I’ve received from it.
After some thought and prayer, we decided to name Baby Way #2. Early on, I think I felt handicapped by the fact that we didn’t know our baby’s gender yet, but I asked God to give us a name that could fit a boy or a girl and a name that specifically fits our child, since he or she is with Him now and He knows…
He gave me our second child’s name a couple weeks ago and I still can’t help but think of it without my soul welling up with joy and longing and hope (and then some more longing).
It seems right and good that our baby, however short his or her life, receive a name. That was Baby Way #2. That was the child we prayed for. That was Jubilee’s little sibling, the baby we told her was growing in mommy’s tummy (and she always asked to see). That was the 4th person in our few weeks of 4-people-hugs.
That was Canaan Way.
I am so thankful that I got to be momma to Canaan for those 8 weeks. And while we ache and grieve that we didn’t get longer with her/him, we rejoice in knowing that our sweet Canaan has just gone ahead of us to the Promised Land, and we will meet again once our pilgrim days are over.
I feel so thankful to have been given a name for our babe. It feels like a sweet gift from the One who blessed us with the gift of life in the first place. Now, when I think of Canaan, my child in Heaven, I will continue to celebrate the gift Canaan was (and will continue to be as we, individually and as a family, are forever changed), to honor Canaan’s life and place in our family, and also rejoice in the hope of the day we’ll all be together – hearts and bodies fully restored.
Since choosing the name Canaan, my mind keeps drifting to this hymn, which does a pretty lovely job of capturing my hope and joy for Canaan (and myself):
1. On Jordan’s stormy banks I stand,
And cast a wishful eye
To Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.2. All o’er those wide extended plains,
Shines one eternal day;
There God the Son forever reigns,
And scatters night away.Chorus: I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land,
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound (I am bound)
I am bound for promised land.3. No chilling winds nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore;
Sickness, sorrow, pain and death,
Are felt and feared no more.(Repeat chorus)4. When shall I reach that happy place,
And be forever blessed?
When shall I see my Father’s face,
And in His bosom rest?(Repeat chorus)
hope for the sojourn 
Oh, Laura! I have been praying for you all. I’m so happy to hear your little one has such a beautiful name. And when I read that hymn…oh man. I don’t think it could be more perfect. I love how God speaks to us and cares for us in even those tiny details.
LikeLike